Meeting People Where They're At

Throughout the decades society has held expectations:

• Wives should have dinner on the table when their husbands get home from work.
• Toddlers should behave well in public at all times.
• We should keep our homes spotless.
• Women should have perfect bodies.
• Children should have perfect grades.
• We should be able to complete everything on our daily checklists.
• Etc, etc, etc...

These expectations should be for clones. Clones should have the same strengths, look the same, and behave the same way. But we are not clones. When a society holds expectations like these, we essentially express the thought that we should all be the same.

I do think this mentality of expectations is slowly changing in society. We see people more tolerable of public tantrums. We see fashion models whose bodies are nowhere near the ideal hourglass figure. I believe these changes are healthy for society. However, just because society is making these changes for the better doesn't mean individuals are making the change.

Last year my husband was teaching a bunch of high school students. He had students who followed directions and he had students who didn't. While having a conversation with his supervisor, he learned an important lesson: "Just meet the kids where they're at. Don't expect them to all be at the same level because they're not."

This concept changed his expectations about each student. His goal became to find out what level each student was at and see if he could get them to do just a little bit more than what they were currently doing. After practicing this concept, he noticed a change. But the change wasn't in the students: it was in himself. I imagine the students changed too, but his focus wasn't on the students changing. He began to love the students for who they were, not for who he thought they should be.

I'm trying to change this in myself. I want to meet people where they're at. To me this means not to expect others to be who they're not. I shouldn't expect people to behave in a way in which they've never behaved before. And that goes for myself too: I shouldn't expect myself to act in a certain way if I've never done it before.

This doesn't mean I can't change. Of course I can change. We all can change. However, I shouldn't expect consistency in behavior unless I have committed myself to form a habit over a period of time. This change happens inside myself, not by force. And others change in the same way: inside themselves.

We often set unrealistic expectations of ourselves. This can be extremely burdensome on our brains. We expect to act perfectly. If we aren't perfect, we try to change. But we also expect this change to occur immediately. And when it doesn't, we feel like failures.

In a prior post I mentioned having compassion for myself. This concept applies in the case of expectations. I find it healthy to recognize where I am now in relation to where I have been rather than where I want to be. I can only make little changes at a time, not big changes all at once.

See the following example from this week.

My oldest daughter is bright. We tell her that. I think she believes it too. This year she has taken 2 independent study courses for school. These courses are structured and assign grades for quizzes and tests. She isn't used to any of this. Most of her schooling at home has been less structured with no assigned grades. Normally if she misses something on a quiz or test, we review it, she corrects it, and we move on.

She received a B on a quiz earlier this year. Then this week she received a B on a final exam. Both times she beat herself up for not getting an A. It didn't matter that her overall grades were still A's. When she receives a grade on an assignment, anything less than an A is unacceptable to her. She didn't learn this from us, but she still expects it of herself.

After the episode this week we talked to her about why we felt the grade didn't matter. We said that the grades reflect where the course creator expects everyone to be by the end of the class. But everyone starts the class at a different place and ends the class at a different place. The important thing is not where she ends up in relation to everyone else but where she ends up in relation to where she began. In other words, she should meet herself where she is at and not expect any more in that moment.

It is mentally unhealthy to set immediate expectations for myself and for others. Give myself time to make changes. Give others time to figure things out for themselves. Others can't really change unless they want to and put in the effort. So in the meantime, I can meet them where they're at. I can love them for who they are right now.

What can you do to meet yourself where you're at today? Who will you love today wherever they're at? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Leave your comments below!

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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