Judgmental Speech

Hey, Brain. How are you?

Not great. I'm such a failure.

Why do you say that?

My kids just don't listen. If I was a good mom, my kids would listen. That's why I'm a failure.

In some of the first meetings with my therapist, he taught me about judgmental speech. Let me explain what that is. Words pairs like “bad” vs “good”, “wrong” vs “right” and “dumb” vs “smart” convey moral judgment or values on a person, an object, or an action. We use these words all the time. But do we realize the effect they have on our brains?

In some instances the use of judgmental speech might be helpful. For example, “Murder in cold blood is wrong.” In this sentence, the use of the word “wrong” may be helpful because our society has assigned a high value to life and has judged the act of cold-blooded murder as morally reprehensible.

However, often we use judgmental words in less helpful ways. For example, “I am such a bad communicator!” In this sentence, the word “bad” conveys moral judgment or value that is unwarranted in describing who you really are.

To be more helpful, judgmental words can be swapped out with non-judgmental words. For example, a more helpful sentence to the one above might be, “I am such an ineffective communicator!” The word “ineffective” describes your inexperience at communicating instead of assigning a moral value to your lack of communication skills.

You might think, “Does changing the word ‘bad’ to ‘ineffective’ really make that much of a difference? People know what I mean.” And you’re probably right. The meaning of the sentence is probably understood either way.

But using judgmental speech in ineffective ways is too common. For instance, what about using judgmental words in these examples?

• “I’m such a bad mom!”
• “You shouldn’t be eating that candy.”
• “You failed English?”
• “My coworker is such an idiot!”

The regular use of judgmental words like these has a negative effect on the brain. We experience intense and often destructive emotions that are attached to judgmental speech, like anger, guilt, shame, and sadness.

What if we replaced judgmental speech with more descriptive, helpful language?

• “I don’t always know how to respond to my children.”
• “That candy will not improve your health.”
• “You didn’t score as high as you wanted on your English test?”
• “My coworker doesn’t seem to recognize the efforts others make for him.”

I know, these sentences seem really “politically correct.” You figure out what your replacement language will be. Regardless, replacement of judgmental speech with descriptive, helpful language changes the intense, destructive emotions that are attached to judgmental speech.

Here are some examples of comparable replacements for judgmental words:

Believe me, replacing judgmental speech is extremely challenging! I have been trying for a couple of years now and feel like I have made little progress. I think the pair of words I use most frequently is "should" and "shouldn't". Using these words suggests that my way was the only way. In reality, everyone has a different way of doing things, and for the most part they are all equally valid. Some ways of doing things might be faster or more effective, but that doesn't make the slower or less effective ways wrong.

Replacement has helped me feel less ashamed of myself, less angry towards others, and has helped others feel less angry towards me. Rather than saying, "You should load the dishwasher this way," I try to say something like, "If you load the dishwasher this way, you can fit more dishes in." See how that changed the intensity and emotions normally associated with the judgmental speech? It's not about the right or wrong way (judgment or value); it's about fitting more dishes in.

Judgmental speech has a significant impact on mental health. When we use it, it affects not only our own perceptions but other people's perceptions of themselves and us.

Observe yourself and identify your most frequently-used judgmental words. Then pick just one (or a pair) and find replacement words or phrases that suit your needs. Then try to catch yourself during the day when you're about to use it and use the replacement words or phrases instead.

What are your most frequently-use judgmental words? How do they affect your perceptions of yourself and others? How might they affect other people's perceptions of themselves and you? I'd love to hear your comments down below.

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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