Finding Safe People
Hey, Brain. How are you?
I'm not great. I feel really alone.
I think we're keeping a lot in. What if we share what we're feeling with someone?
I just don't know who to talk to.
Why don't we talk to our husband?
Are you serious? He is just a problem solver. He just wants to solve the problem and move on.
Have we ever asked him just to listen?
No. Would that really work?
I don't know, but it doesn't hurt to try.
I don't know about you, but I have similar conversations with myself. Do you feel ashamed or embarrassed to share your thoughts with people because you feel broken or because you think your emotions are wrong? I hear you. Do you fear that sharing your most private and vulnerable thoughts will lead to judgment and ostracism? Join the club. I am just one of many who struggle with at least one of these or other similar feelings. From my own experience, managing these emotions begins with finding at least one safe person with whom to share your deepest, most vulnerable parts of yourself.
In my post last week I explained the lengthy process I went through to come to an honest recognition of my mental health status. Part of that process was finding the right people to share with.
"God doesn’t want us to go through our trials alone. It is often through another person that He meets our needs. God has and will put people into our lives to help us and support us during our trials."
Looking back to my youth, I really only remember sharing my emotional challenges with my mom. You know, the normal teenage girl drama like: "Boys never ask me out because I'm tall and ugly," and "I'm so slow with schoolwork. Everyone is so much smarter than I am!"
As a 21-year-old, I left the country to be a missionary for my church. Tahiti was far from home, far from Mom, so I found someone else in whom I could confide. She was the only other female missionary from the United States in Tahiti at the time. I shared my struggles with the languages (both French and Tahitian), my struggles with other missionaries I worked with, and the struggles of being away from home.
At age 23 I was a newly-wed. The first year of marriage for me was so novel, so exciting, so fun, and I didn't mind sharing things with my husband. In fact, I think I enjoyed having someone that was sort of obligated to listen to me talk about my emotions. And it was kind of nice to have someone who is wired differently listen to and try to solve my problems, even when sometimes I just wanted him to listen and not solve my problems.
Since then, my husband has been my confidante. But with each new phase of life I found other individuals in whom I could confide as well. Some of these phases were:
- Moving across the country for my husband to go to law school
- Becoming a new mother
- Moving to Idaho after school to practice law
- Having baby #2
- Losing baby #3
- Moving back to Utah
- and more in between...
While I still had my family, and made and kept in touch with friends along the way, I didn't just share everything with everyone. It's not that the people in whom I didn't confide weren't trustworthy. When I choose to share something extremely private with another person, there has to be a special connection with that person.
Something else I've noticed: I don't always share everything with every safe person I find. I usually share what is relevant between me and that person. Sharing details about the same or a similar challenge can generate empathy, which helps form powerful bonds. Some individuals pay attention and notice I am struggling even when I think I hide it well. They reach out to me, and I have been willing to open up about the things that they notice.
Other attributes of a safe person that I find important are:
- They are active listeners, they don't interrupt, and they ask relevant questions
- They are nonjudgmental and understanding even if they can't empathize; they validate my feelings
- They show great compassion and sincerity; they genuinely care about me
- They keep our discussions private unless I give them permission to share
Not only do I look for these attributes among family members and friends to find safe people. I looked for the same attributes when I finally made the choice to seek professional help. I didn't connect with the first therapist I visited, but I do have a connection with my current therapist. He also exhibits all of the attributes I listed above. If you feel like you need professional help, just remember that the choice of who you share with is always yours. Find someone who meets your safe person criteria. Here are a few things I learned from a course I took:
"It’s hard to know whether or not to seek professional help. The following situations are warning signs that might indicate a need for professional help.
- You suffer from persistent feelings of overwhelming anger, sadness, fear, emotional pain, or hopelessness. Regardless of what you do, these feelings remain and are often mentally and physically debilitating.
- Despite the feelings sometimes coming and going, the issues have continued for many months.
- You feel physically incapacitated, and your appetite and sleep patterns change.
- You have an uncontrollable sense of worry and anxiety.
- You contemplate harming yourself or others.
- Your ability to function on a day-to-day basis is affected, limiting your productivity.
If you are experiencing some of these warning signs and are worried about your health, talk to a health-care professional or someone you trust."
"When you make the choice to seek professional help, recognize that you become a consumer of a service and have the right to ask questions. Consider looking for a professional who meets the following characteristics:
- Understands and respects your values. When you choose to seek help, you get to help determine the desired outcomes. Find a professional who respects client self-determination, or your ability to choose what you want to get out of the therapy, treatment, or other forms of help.
- Can explain his or her training and experience and how it relates to your needs. Some qualified professionals include licensed marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, professional counselors, and so on.
- Has sessions that are right for you. Consider the length, cost, and frequency of each session and other factors as you decide what fits your needs.
- Is willing to consult with your Church leader on your progress, if you desire. This includes offering suggestions on how he or she and your leader can work together to help you.
If you are experiencing some of these warning signs and are worried about your health, talk to a health-care professional or someone you trust."
For me, having safe people to talk with has been essential in my journey. Safe people help me recognize that I am not alone. I believe that God puts people in our paths for a reason: to be His hands to lift and help one another. If you're struggling with mental health challenges, look for safe people. They're all around. If you're not struggling, be a safe person for those who are.
What about you? Who are the safe people in your life? For you, what are the most important attributes of a safe person? Or how have you learned to be a safe person for others who are struggling?
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to share them publicly or privately with the links below.
Joy is possible.
Love ❤️, Jen