Faint Glow

It has been a minute. The last 2 months have been an emotionally dark place for me and I have been struggling to figure out the emotions. I've been feeling stressed and overwhelmed in so many ways. We all have our challenges and face them daily. However, it feels good when you have a lightbulb moment, which started for me today.

Backup a few weeks: I've been taking a class from a friend of mine where I've been learning about the motivations I have for the things I do. She challenged me to dig deep and figure out the reason I choose to do things everyday. Do I do them out of fear of something, or do I do them out of love or some other reason?

Yesterday marked 9 years since losing my little boy. Like it normally does, it stirred a lot of emotions. But this year it was different and I didn't understand why. I didn't give myself time during the day to let myself feel the emotions because I had so much to do.

Then last night my sister-in-law came over and we talked about the day I lost him, how we both felt, and how it has affected both of us, particularly how it has changes us. It was something I needed. Something that sparked an understanding of my emotions.

After she left I held the ultrasound pictures I have of him, spoke with my husband for a bit, and then let myself cry until I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and just laid in bed breathing as I let my mind and body feel whatever emotions I had without judging or trying to fix them in the moment. I just wanted to accept what I felt in the moment. Here is what I learned.

I fear a lot of things.

I fear death.

I fear change.

I fear being a disappointment.

Most things I do, I do out of fear.

I fear disappointing others if I don't do what they want, even if it what they want goes against my desires.

I fear that my kids will struggle in really hard ways that I have struggled. I fear not being able to fix their own challenges.

I don't allowing myself time to do what I want because I fear it is not in alignment with God's will.

I fear spending my money the wrong way, not saving it for an emergency, and losing everything I have.

I fear having conversations with others because I might not know the right thing to say or do in response to things they say.

I fear the judgement of others.

I fear asking for help from someone because I don't want to burden them and I am a capable person. I don't want to look weak, even if that means I spread myself too thin.

The list goes on. As I laid there I realized that a lot of my resentment, anger, and emotional challenges I have been facing were because I do things out of fear.

This was the beginning of my lightbulb moment. The glow is faint, but it's still glowing. We all have fears, but when fear takes control over our actions we feel empty and worthless. We feel we are not good enough or not doing the right thing. Letting fear control our choices can lead to anger and resentment. It might make us feel like nobody cares.

I don't want to live my life this way. I want to enjoy my life and allow emotions to come and go. Because they will. We are human; feelings and emotions are part of life.

I want to feel emotions without judgement and let them heal. I don't want to fear. I don't want fear to control my life. Fear has no power over me unless I give it power. That is my goal this week: to not let my fears have power over me.

Do you have fears? Are your fears holding you back? Do your fears control you? Or have you managed to control your fear? I'd love to hear about your own experiences with fear.

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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