Emotions: Part 4
If you haven't yet, read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of this discussion on emotions.
Over the last 12 years of being a mom I have learned that emotions with my children ebb and flow. Some days are better than others. Daily I recognize the need to teach my children how to manage their emotions.
For me the teaching comes in two parts: teaching by word, and teaching by example. I have recognized the need to communicate with them with words and help them learn how to manage. However, the teaching doesn't do much good unless they see you do what you are trying to teach them.
Recently my children have been on an anger streak. They have been acting out in anger when they don't get what they want. It has been pretty stressful, and it's extremely challenging to maintain control over my own emotions. I've even started to identify trigger phrases and actions from my children that boil my blood very quickly.
But I have really worked on controlling my emotional reactions and keeping my cool so I can teach them something in a helpful way. Here are some things I've tried to teach them.
- Walk away and calm the emotions down before you say or do anything to the person with whom you are trying to talk.
- Go shoot some hoops.
- Go kick the soccer ball.
- Go play catch.
- Take a walk or ride your bike around the block.
- Color a picture, draw, or read a book.
After they calm down we sit and talk about how they felt. We try to name the emotions so they understand what they are feeling and then talk about why they feel that way.
For example, my son was angry about doing his responsibilities around the house. When he finally calmed down, we found out he was feeling overwhelmed because there was a lot to clean up in the family room. He also felt frustrated that the other kids didn't clean up their messes after they played. So being overwhelmed + frustrated = anger. This was a helpful exercise in at least identifying the primary emotions.
I've told my children that sometimes their emotions will last longer then just a few minutes. Strong emotions can last anywhere from 2 minutes to a few days. I've found out that it's not only important for them to take time to let emotions settle, but it's also important for me to give them that space before trying to teach them.
Our strongest bonds with our children are formed when we connect with them during their emotionally challenging moments. That can be hard, but it's well worth the time, effort, and patience.
In addition to some great tips from the app In Love While Parenting (check it out for iPhone and Android), I've found some other resources with great advice about helping children learn to manage strong emotions. Here's one resource:
What are some frequent phrases or actions from your children you've identified that trigger strong emotions in you? What things have you found helpful in keeping your cool when the triggers occur? What are some things you do with your children to help them learn to manage their emotions?
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
Joy is possible.
Love ❤️, Jen
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