Emotions: Part 3
If you haven't yet, read Part 1 and Part 2 of this discussion on emotions.
In Part 2 I discussed how using a bridle helps tame, train, and direct a horse to be of great use. Without a bridle the horse might otherwise be hostile and dangerous. Our emotions are like the horse, and if left unbridled can lead to hostile and dangerous actions. On the flip side, emotions checked with a bridle can be used to serve a higher and greater purpose.
I also brought up the idea of keeping an emotions journal to become more aware of the actions we take because of our emotions. Did you start one? If so, have you begun to realize how your emotions tend to drive your actions? If you haven't started an emotions journal, have you found something else that helps you be more aware of your emotion-driven actions?
If you are already aware of your intense emotions, have you found anger to be one of your most frequent? Anger is probably one of the most common emotion that leads to undesired actions, and for good reason.
First of all, let's talk about anger and agency or choice. I found this and felt like it is worth mentioning.
A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, "I lost my temper." Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To "lose something" implies "not meaning to," "accidental," "involuntary," "not responsible"—careless perhaps but "not responsible."
"He made me mad." This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!
To those who say, "But I can’t help myself," author William Wilbanks responds: "Nonsense."
"Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling," are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. "We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?" (The New Obscenity, Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1988, 24; emphasis added)
This quote was so eye-opening for me. I recognized that I use the same idioms or phrases he described. I try to pass off blame for my anger to others rather than accept responsibility for it. But the truth is that I am responsible for the actions I take when I feel angry.
How often in the world and its history do we hear about people who act out of anger? Why is it so often that anger is a driving emotion? Because it's easier to blame someone else for how we feel rather than to take ownership and work through the emotions. That's too hard and it makes us feel ashamed of ourselves.
Also, I hope you noticed that in the last paragraph of the quote above the author mentioned two other emotions: frustration and annoyance. Why would he mention those emotions when discussing anger? I'm glad you asked!
Anger is often a secondary emotion. Most of the time when angry, the real issues are underlying, or primary, emotions. In fact, most times it's easier to identify with and indulge in our anger (and then blame someone else for it too!) rather than do the hard work of analyzing our true emotions and working to resolve them. However, doing the hard work is critical to prevent us from lashing out.
The hard work includes identifying trigger words or situations that lead to us feeling the primary emotions. For example, if I begin to feel jealousy every time I open up Facebook or Instagram, I've identified a trigger for that emotion. The more we can recognize our emotional patterns, the easier it becomes to avoid the triggers.
Here is another excerpt from the Emotional Resilience for Self-reliance course that explains what types of emotions and feelings often underly the anger that we express:
To manage your anger, identify the different emotions underlying it. It’s often easier to be angry than to deal with your real, underlying feelings. Below is a list of some underlying emotions and experiences that may result in you feeling angry.
Underlying Emotions and Feelings
- Resentful
- Disappointed
- Ashamed
- Hopeless
- Guilty
- Overwhelmed
- Embarrassed
- Frustrated
- Inferior
- Grief
- Insensitive
- Heartbroken
- Afraid
- Anxious
- Worried
- Threatened
- Nervous
- Rejected
- Entitled
- Hurt
- Offended
- Victimized
- Lonely
- Injustice
- Hunger
- Fatigue
- Unmet expectations
Remember my story from Emotions Part 1 when I talked about how I would lash out in anger at my husband and kids? What I've since realized is that I was actually experiencing other emotions, like disappointment, shame, overwhelmed, worry, unmet expectations, and more. I wasn't taking the time to recognize the primary emotions so I could work through them. I didn't allow those primary emotions to settle. I instead indulged in my anger. Hence the lashing out.
This is hard work. It may take all day. It may take several days. It may take weeks! This is hard work! But the more we grow accustomed to identifying primary emotions and working through them, the easier it gets.
And the fewer angry blowups we experience.
By the way, thanks to Brette for your comment from Part 2. The app she mentioned is called In Love While Parenting and has, among other things, some great information about labeling emotions. Make sure to check it out for iPhone and Android.
Joy is possible.
Love ❤️, Jen
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