Desires

Each of my children has their own individual cravings. My son loves pizza. I think he could eat pizza for lunch and dinner every day. Sweets. 🤦‍♀️ My youngest daughter loves sweets. She screams when she doesn't get sweets. My oldest loves cereal. She could probably eat the entire county clean out of cereal.

It's hard to deny ourselves of our desires! But sometimes we have to do it, whether it's for our health, the well-being of others, or some other reason. But it's still hard.

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about our own personal desires, kind of like the cravings that we get sometimes. More specifically, I have been pondering on how the choices we make relate to our desires.

Do you ever desire to do something like sit down and read a book? Does that desire ever conflict with family responsibilities like helping a child with homework or driving her to soccer practice?

Have you ever sat down to listen to a podcast episode right when your child says, "Mom (or Dad), I just remembered that my science project is due tomorrow!" Of course your desires typically take a back seat to the urgent task of papier-mâché, vinegar, and baking soda!

I know the above examples are probably silly (even if they are fairly common), and maybe we think they are not that big of a deal. But the behavioral pattern of giving up our own desires can lead to resentment and, ultimately, unhappy relationships.

Here's an example in my own life. If my husband wants to take me out dinner, a common question he asks is, "What do you feel like eating?" I usually respond with something like, "I don't care. You choose." Guess what? Sometimes when he picks, I actually don't want to eat what he picks. But I can't say that because I already told him that I don't care! Guess what happens after that? I feel resentful, like I didn't have a choice, like I was forced into eating something I didn't want to eat.

Did I have a choice? Yes, I did. Did I express my desires? No, I did not.

But isn't it noble to sacrifice our own desires for those of someone else? Isn't that what we're taught in society? In religion?

Sacrifice is noble, sure. But if one person in the relationship always sacrifices, when does the other person get to be noble?

Maybe we feel afraid to offend or hurt someone else, so we just give in to appease them. All the time. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe giving into the other person's desires all the time creates an expectation that you will always do what they want? That isn't really fair to the other person, and it's certainly not fair to you.

I learned these and more principles about desires while taking a course by Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife on strengthening relationships.

Another principle I learned is this: expressing your desire is not about always getting what you want. It's about creating a culture of clarity, honesty, and understanding. As we learn to be clear and honest in expressing our desires, we come to understand each other better.

What about desires that are dependent on the actions of someone else? What if you tell your spouse what you want and your spouse chooses something else? How does that make you feel? Upset? Resentful? As we become more clear and honest in expressing our desires, we begin to understand that each person has desires of their own and can make their own choices, irrespective of your desires.

One last principle I'll mention. Recognize your desires, recognize the desires of others, and then make your own choice about what to do. Sometimes you'll choose your desire. Other times you'll recognize that a greater purpose exists in choosing someone else's desire. Find a balance, make your own intentional choices, and then accept them.

Here's the short of it:

Learn to recognize your own desires
Learn to express your desires clearly and honestly
Learn to respect others for their desires
Learn to make intentional and willing choices

You each have value. Your desires are valid. Don't fear expressing them.

How do you do in expressing your desires? What challenges have you experienced with expressing your desires or with others expressing theirs to you? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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