Communication: Part 5

My husband likes to argue. In fact, he is really good at it. I guess he had lots of practice in front of judges and other lawyers while he practiced law. He seems to have a knack for argument and persuasion. From what I know, he was good at arguing long before I met him. He doesn't seem to shy away from confrontation.

On the other hand, I run from confrontation. Sometimes I try to avoid it at all costs. I don't like it when others make me feel bad, and I definitely don't like making others feel bad.

I've been writing about skills that can help us communicate to alleviate our burdens with mental health: mindfulness, opening up, FAST, and GIVE. This last skill I want to talk about is helpful when faced with confrontation. This is probably why I have struggled trying to explain it, which is also probably why it's taken me so me long to write about it. And since I avoid confrontation, I haven't had lots of practice applying this skill.

The acronym for this DBT skill is DEAR MAN, which stands for:

Like other DBT skills, the general purpose of DEAR MAN is to help us develop more effective communication, assert our needs, and strengthen relationships. The steps are not always consecutive or separate. Sometimes they blend together.

Describe

Do you get irritated pretty easily? As a parent, it's pretty common for me. What about with family, neighbors, or friends? Are you ever irritated, upset, or angry with them? And what's your reaction to that surge of emotions?

The Describe step is all about helping you speak accurately in response to those emotions. Instead of saying, "You are so irritating!", say something like, "I became irritated when you didn't help with the dishes." Stick to the facts.

Express / Assert

Have you ever said (or heard someone say), "If you don't know why I'm mad, I'm not going to tell you!" That attitude is counterproductive.

Instead, express your feelings and assert your opinions. Don't ever assume that others know how you feel or what you are thinking. Again, express the facts: "I'm irritated because I don't want to do the dishes every night."

Reinforce

Are you above bribery? I'm not! To Reinforce is really about explaining the consequences if you get what you want or not.

Instead of, "If you don't help with the dishes, we are getting a divorce," stick to the actual facts: "If I always do the dishes, I will not be happy. And when I'm not happy we will not have a healthy relationship. However, if you do the dishes sometimes, I will be happier, which will help our relationship."

Be Mindful

Have you ever heard anyone (or yourself) say something like the following during an argument: "And another thing: I hate...." Or what about this: "Well since we're talking about things that are irritating, what about ..."

Statements like these are distracting and diverting. Be mindful of your current objective and stick to it. Don't get distracted, repeat yourself over and over, respond to threats, attacks, or other diversions. Just make your point and stay on topic.

Appear Confident

You may have asserted your opinion, but what does your body say about it? Tone of voice, word choice, and body language can be subtle but powerful in helping you appear confident.

Let's be honest: confrontation is not really that fun. But making good eye contact, maintaining a firm but calm tone, and using clear and concise language will help others know you are serious.

Negotiate

While we have opinions and desires (and that's ok to have them), it doesn't mean we always get exactly what we want. If we are unwilling to negotiate, why should others be willing?

Be willing to ask for the other person's opinions for a solution and be honest enough to consider them. If they absolutely don't work for you, don't just say "No." Offer an alternative solution. And don't be spiteful: be willing to give something (not everything!) in order to get something in return.

In my experience, this skill has been extremely challenging to do spur of the moment with no preparation. Although not frequently, I have tried to apply this skill a few times. The only bit of success I've experienced occurred when I took time beforehand to prepare the things I wanted to say. Don't try to do this in the heat of the moment.

Probably one of the hardest things for me is to stick to factual statements. With emotions flowing, it is really easy to just let emotional language flow. It takes time, preparation, and practice to become proficient at sticking to the facts.

Another thing to consider: this skill can be quite shocking for the other person. It may not be received well initially. You may experience some significant pushback.

Maybe the other person is used to getting his or her way all the time. Maybe you have never indicated that you have a problem, so the other person has no clue. Maybe it's just difficult to hear you be really direct with them.

Make sure to show the same respect you expect to receive. Don't demand immediate answers. If it takes you some time to prepare your discussion points, it will likely take them some time to think through their response.

Also, direct conversations like this have no predictable outcome. The other person may decide to work through the challenge with you. They may not. You have to be prepared to accept whatever consequence comes without expectation.

I know this skill seems like it's really complex and it's only for really deep conversations. Actually it's a great skill for any honest conversation. It helps us express our emotions with facts, state our desires, explain consequences, focus on the topic at hand, remain true to ourselves, and open a dialogue for negotiation.

In fact, for really good practice, use this skill with a toddler! If your toddler writes on the wall, DEAR MAN them. If your toddler hits someone, DEAR MAN them. If they wet in their underwear, DEAR MAN them.

You can even have a back to the future moment! Think of things that happened days, weeks, or months ago, and write out how you would DEAR MAN the other people involved.

There's really no perfect way to do it, but the steps can be really helpful in opening a dialogue, asserting your position, and finding mutual solutions. It also may be really hard at first, but the more familiar you become through practice, the easier and more intuitive it will become.

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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