Communication: Part 4

Last week I wrote about the FAST DBT skill. FAST helps us develop more effective communication through honest recognition of the value each person holds, including ourselves. It helps us learn to compromise fairly.

In Part 2 of my Communication series, I wrote about how important it is to honestly open up to someone else about our struggles. Learning to open up helps us see that we're not alone and helps us learn to trust others.

But what if you are the trusted person to whom someone else opens up? How do you manage that interaction? Sometimes it's easy to know how we would want others to treat us, but maybe it's not so easy to know exactly how to treat others when the roles are reversed.

Or what if you're trying to make a decision with someone else and in the middle they mention some challenge that they're going through? How do you manage this new piece of information while still moving the conversation forward towards the decision without acting indifferent or all about business?

The next DBT skill on the list helps us manage these types of interactions. This skill helps us maintain a healthy and trusted relationship and still accomplish the task at hand. The acronym for this skill is GIVE.

GIVE stands for:

Be Gentle

If you worry about others making fun of or criticizing you when you share a very vulnerable piece of information, it's extremely likely that others feel the same way. The Golden Rule applies here: act in a way you would have others act towards you!

Don't judge; don't demoralize; don't attack, threaten, or manipulate. Be sincerely gentle. What's the most gentle thing you can think of? A flower? A butterfly? An old family dog who just wants to lay his head in your lap? Yes: act like those.

I feel like with most people I'm pretty good with this piece of the skill. Maybe there are a few others with whose lives I am intimately familiar that make me lose patience sometimes, like my children, husband, or a few select others.  But I think with those people I have working on showing gentleness rather than being quick to judge.

Just remember that everyone goes through struggles. Choose to show gentleness rather than harshness. Hopefully the same will be shown to you.

Show Interest

Ok, so most places that you hear about this DBT skill actually say "Act Interested" for this part. They will say you won't always be interested, but acting interested is not dishonest. Acting will allow you to have a nice interaction, maintain the relationship, and achieve your intended goals.

That sounds too manipulative to me and focuses too much on yourself. I believe a conversation or interaction should benefit both parties, and insincerity doesn't actually benefit either. And acting sounds insincere.

To me, showing interest is about sincerity. It's true, I am not always interested in the topics of conversation. But I am interested in the people I speak with: their desires, their feelings, their successes, and their failures. I don't have to act. I just remind myself that my interest is in the person and not the topic.

So how do we show interest? Let the other person speak; don't interrupt. Actively listen. Make appropriate eye contact. Use normal facial expressions and gestures. And ask sincere questions to understand his or her feelings.

It sounds easy, but it's not always. It can be hard to keep focused, especially when you aren't interested in the topic. Practice.

Validate

When we first got married, my husband was really good at one thing: solving problems. I would share my problems with him, and his immediate instinct was to resolve it.

Over the last 15 years, he has learned that most of the time, I just want him to listen and then acknowledge my feelings. He doesn't have to agree with my position, he doesn't have to understand me, but it helps to remind me that it's ok to have feelings, opinions, or desires.

Remember, everyone is entitled to their own feelings, opinions, and desires. Don't judge people for having them. Saying things like, "That sounds really hard" or "I can see why you feel that way" can really go a long way to help others not feel judged.

Interestingly enough, often after he validates my feelings, opinions, and desires I become open to listening to solutions to the problems. However, if he jumps the gun and skips the validation, I tend to close up. Order matters.

Use an Easy Manner

My husband has become really good at helping me and the children feel better with this skill. He seems to know the right words or phrases in just the right moments to help us smile or laugh even while facing strong emotions.

And guess what? That smile or laughter is like instant medicine. It always seems to do the trick.

Light humor and smiles can really help ease a lot of tension that comes from talking about hard things. Laughing and smiling also has physiological side effects, like releasing feel-good hormones. Don't believe me? Look it up!

Make sure to use caution when the light humor is actual about the other person. If it seems like they can find some humor in the current circumstance, ok. But others may not be so understanding.

Often times you'll find yourself employing this skill in order to get to an end result, like helping a child realize how important it is to do his or her homework.

Just because we're seeking an end result doesn't make this skill deceptive or selfish in nature. I think it's all about being sincere. So yes, let's achieve an end goal while maintaining healthy relationships. Just be sincere about whatever the other person is experiencing.

I grew up believing that we develop strong relationships by spending lots of time together doing lots of fun things. Imagine my surprise when I recently learned that one of the most powerful ways to establish strong relationship bonds is to help someone through an emotional hardship.

Guess what? That is what the GIVE DBT skill is all about: helping each other through emotional hardships. Being gentle, showing interest, validating, and using an easy manner will help us manage challenging emotional situations, which will help us build stronger relationships.

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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