Communication: Part 3

I am very hard on myself. When something doesn't go as planned, I blame myself. Did I make an honest mistake? It doesn't matter; I'm a horrible person.

I have extremely high expectations for myself. When I don't achieve these expectations, I'm an utter failure.

I apologize for everything, even when I really had nothing to do with whatever happened. And it's not the sympathy "I'm sorry"; it's a full-blown "I am responsible for whatever happened" apology.

And I hate to be different because of the judgmental questions or comments that follow:

• "Why do you homeschool? I could never do something like that, I would go crazy. Your kids are too sheltered."
• "Why does your husband work for himself? Does that mean you guys struggle financially week to week? How do you survive without benefits?"
• "Why do you have 5 children? Doesn't that make it hard to go on vacation? You have your hands full. Are you going to have more?"

As humans we are a lot harder on ourselves than others are on us. Have you ever heard the phrase, "We are our own worst critics?" It is so true.

Over the last several weeks I have been my own worst critic. It has been so bad that it stopped me from writing more posts. I felt like a hypocrite for the things I write because I'm not perfect. I felt worthless, lost, alone, stupid, overwhelmed, and a failure.

The expectations I set for myself demand near-perfection. I expect myself to accept every invitation, do everything for everyone else, and still have time for myself. That doesn't work out at all. I often push myself to an unhealthy mental place that makes me feel depressed and overwhelmed.

This last week I took a step back and focused on another DBT skill that helps us develop self-respect. The acronym to help remember this skill is FAST:

This skill helps us challenge our unhealthy thoughts and reminds us that we matter. It also reminds us that others matter too. Here is what I have learned so far.

Be Fair

This means to be fair to yourself and to others. This is tricky. When you're communicating with someone, being fair to yourself means to acknowledge your preferences and desires and not discard them. This also means to make those preferences and desires known to the other person.

On the flip side, being fair to the other person means allowing them to have their own preferences and desires. Once each person has openly acknowledged his or her preferences and desires, an open negotiation can occur in order to reach a compromise or decision.

Being fair to yourself and to others also means to recognize that the other person will not always accommodate your desires, and that you don't always have to accommodate theirs. There will likely be some balance in between.

I am good about making myself available to help and be understanding towards others. But I'm not good at setting boundaries. It's not that helping others is wrong, but sometimes it's to the detriment of myself and my family. Sometimes I don't have the bandwidth to help, but I do it anyway. This eventually leads to burnout and resentment. It also establishes unrealistic expectations for yourself and others. You can help by defining what others can honestly expect of you.

For example, because of some personal circumstances, a friend needed help caring for the weeds in her yard. I offered to help. However, instead of taking 4 hours on a Saturday, I chose to take 30 minutes each week. It didn't get done as quickly as it could have, but I also didn't push myself to do something that was more than I either could or wanted to do. And guess what? She was still very grateful for the help. Not once did she ask why I couldn't just do it all in 1 day.

Remember to be fair to yourself.

No Apologies

This means don't be overly apologetic. Instinctual thoughts or feelings alone don't harm others, so DON'T apologize for them. Even if you dwell on or seek after unhelpful or destructive thoughts or feelings, those alone shouldn't require an apology to others, maybe just to yourself and to God.

DO apologize for behaviors that are unhelpful or cause undesired effects on others. If you express hateful thoughts, apologize. If you release your frustration by yelling at someone, apologize.

DON'T apologize for expressing your preferences or desires. DON'T apologize when you disagree with someone else's opinion. You are allowed to have your own preferences, desires, and opinions.

DO apologize if you don't allow others to have their own preferences or desires. DO apologize if you tell others that their opinions are stupid because they are different than yours.

My husband has helped me recognize that I apologize too much, mostly because I do it a lot! But he has agreed to let me say "I'm sorry" when I mean to express sympathy. So now when I say "I'm sorry," he may ask: "Is that a sympathy sorry?" If I say "yes," he accepts it.

Stick to your values

Through my youth at church I was taught: "Stand for the right" and "Live up to your values." But what are my values? What are your values?

Do you let other people with strong opinions dictate what you believe and what you do? What if doing what they say makes you feel uncomfortable? Do you still let them pressure you into doing it?

Sticking to your values requires you first to know what you actually believe. Take the time to think about what you truly believe and decide for yourself what you stand for. This doesn't mean that you ignore everyone else. You can acquire a lot of good information from others. But take all that information and then think about things for yourself. This is not easy. It takes hard work, time, and a lot of brain power.

And don't be afraid to let God be part of this process. He literally knows everything! He can guide you in setting your values.

Once you know what you believe and what your values are, be strong when faced with others who disagree. This doesn't mean that you can't learn from them and change your own mind. What it does mean is that you don't let others change your mind. Don't be afraid to stick to your values.

This is something I have struggled with. I have always wanted to fit in and feel important around people. But sometimes when I've expressed a different opinion or held fast to my values, I have faced opposition. I've been made to feel that my values are stupid. Others have made me feel wrong in my opinions. These negative experiences have led me, in some circumstances, to follow what others do or ask me to do even if at times it goes against my values.

I have had to learn to be me and to know what I want and what I believe in. I need not worry what others think or say about me. If I stick to my own values, the only judgement that matters to me is what God thinks.

Be Truthful

See if this sounds familiar. You get a text from a friend inviting you to go do something. After thinking about it, you actually don't want to go. But if you say something like, "I think I'll pass today," you are worried they're going to ask, "Why?"

So instead of saying "I'll pass," you make up an excuse like, "I wish I could! But my children all have different activities going on," or "My kids all woke up with runny noses and I'm trying to lay low." The thing is that in this scenario, neither of those things are true.

Usually when we are untruthful, we try to avoid confrontation or contention. We worry that telling the truth (i.e. "I don't want to") might hurt someone's feelings. Maybe we'll disappoint them. I hate disappointing people.

But lies, exaggeration, acting helpless to get sympathy, and false excuses don't help anyone. They may help you avoid confrontation or get what you want in the moment, but in the long run they will only strain your relationships.

Others need to know the truth, even if they are temporarily disappointed. Part of our mortal existence is learning to manage those disappointments.

I am a big people pleaser. I hate contention, confrontation, or hurting other people's feelings. In the past I grew accustomed to telling white lies to avoid the confrontation.

I am doing better at catching myself before it happens, but it requires a conscious effort. As long I don't say or do anything in a mean or unfriendly spirit, I feel so much better when I'm honest, even if I disappoint others. I still feel a twinge of shame sometimes, but I have to remind myself that there is no shame in being truthful.

Don't lie. Don't act helpless when you're not. Don't exaggerate. Don't make up excuses.

Be patient with yourself and others. I've learned through my therapy sessions to work on one thing at a time. The more we practice, the more natural these techniques become. It is not easy, but it is worth it.

The FAST skill reminds us that each person is important, including ourselves. It can help us develop better, more effective relationships. It can help us set boundaries. It can help us define what we want and what we believe. It can help boost our self-confidence. Give it a try!

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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