Communication: Part 2

One of the biggest challenges with communication is learning to be honest about something you're struggling with. Everyone is struggling with something. And everyone is trying to hide what they’re struggling with from everyone else.

Maybe we fear judgment. Maybe we're ashamed or embarrassed. Maybe we fear too much attention, like if we open up then our whole circle of acquaintances will bombard us with questions or requests to help us. We tend to not want that kind of attention. So we don't communicate.

That’s my observation, both from my own life and from the lives of others. We all want to hide our struggles. But hiding our struggles doesn’t help. It is actually unhealthy. And before we discuss other DBT skills (see Part 1 for an explanation), I feel this is something that needs to be addressed.

So we all need to be ok communicating our struggles. But we can’t expect everyone to just open up to everyone else. What we can do is just try to open ourselves up to someone and not hide our own struggles so much. And while I can’t force anyone else to open up, we can do something to nudge them in the right direction.

Here are a couple of examples in my life of struggles I've faced and the reasons I didn't want to communicate:

• I've been an overwhelmed young mother who didn't want to ask for help because I didn't want to be seen as a weak or incapable mother.
• I've been in dire financial circumstances, wondering if I'm going to have money just to buy groceries; sharing this issue would make me feel like a failure.
• I've had pregnancy complications and lost a baby, and most people don't know how that feels and won't know how to help me.

Sound familiar? You may not have experienced the same things, but you can probably think of something similar that you've faced in your life. At some point I built up the courage to say something to someone else about my struggles. And guess what? Each of the reasons for not communicating turned out to be invalid.

• I told some people that I was overwhelmed and could use help. Guess what? Those I told said they felt (or had felt) the same way and offered to help!
• I told someone that I was struggling financially. Guess what? She didn't think I was a failure! She sympathized and asked what she could do to help.
• I told someone about the pregnancy complication I had and told someone else that I lost a baby. Guess what? The first person said she currently had the same complication and didn't know who to talk to about it! The other person told me she lost a baby too!

I learned a few things by opening up. I learned that I am not alone. Other people face the same or similar struggles. I learned that as I open up, others will open up in return. We both benefit from communication. I also learned that opening up puts both people in a position to serve each other. As each realizes the struggles of the other, you both start to think of ways to help, even if it's just sympathy and love.

I'm reminded of this scripture that says we should be "willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and [be] willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." Mosiah 18:8-9. That can't happen without communication.

One other thing. As I've grown wiser (and older), I've learned how helpful it would have been to communicate more when I was in the middle of the struggles. Don't wait until years after the struggle to talk to someone about it!

Communicating your struggles really isn't that hard. Our brains think it is. It just takes some initial courage, faith, and a little bit of effort.

So that’s what I’m inviting you to do. Open up to someone about a struggle you currently have or have had. Don’t do it to everyone or to a random person. Think about someone you think could benefit from hearing your personal struggle, someone who you think is probably struggling too and could use some help. Pray about it.

Once you've been able to connect through communication, follow up. Check in on them, and don’t just ask, “How are you doing?” Be more specific with a question like, “What can I do for you right now?”

You’ll be surprised how opening up to someone specific can change your life, and how impactful you can be to someone else. And it will set you up to learn some of the DBT skills I'll talk about next.

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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