Communication: Part 1

The human brain is an amazing communication tool. Our challenge to communicate begins on Day 1 as a baby. Our brains teach us to cry when we're hungry or tired. If we're really hungry or tired, our brains learn to increase the volume of our cries.

Toddler brains learn to mimic what people say and do. Then through childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, our brains learn to understand what people say through verbal and non-verbal communication, and our brains learn to communicate back verbally and non-verbally. It's amazing!

And as amazing as it is to see how well the human brain learns to communicate, it's also astounding to realize just how bad humans are at communicating.

For example, how often do you read a text message and completely misunderstand the intended meaning of the message? How often do you reply with a "?" because, after sitting and staring at your phone for 10 minutes, you still have no clue what the text message means? or you misinterpret the message.

Now if you think a little bit longer, I'm sure you can think of an example of a moment when you experienced similar reactions when speaking with someone face to face! Crazy!

How is it possible for highly-evolved communicators like humans to fail at accurately and effectively communicating? Well, a lot of it has to do with parts of our brain that deal with mental health. Often we fail to communicate accurately and effectively because of fear, anxiety, PTSD, or the myriad of other mental health issues that humans face.

Ok, so how do we learn to communicate better? It really starts with coping. Over the next couple weeks I want to share some skills that I have learned to help me cope with difficult situations and communicate more accurately and effectively. I learned these skills through Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help me in my own mental health struggles.

The goal of DBT is to help people develop skills to cope with challenging situations. Effective use of the skills learned through DBT can help people remain calm, avoid impulsive and destructive behaviors, and effectively and accurately communicate with others, even when faced with emotionally charged situations.

DBT skills range from basic to complex. The basic skills can be learned and practiced by yourself. The more complex skills typically require guidance from trained mental health professionals to learn. The first skills I'll mention today are classified as mindfulness skills.

Mindfulness

The principle purpose of mindfulness is to help calm both your brain and your body. Calming your brain and your body helps you avoid automatic and destructive thoughts and behaviors. If you can avoid destructive thoughts and behaviors, you are in a better position to think and act in more helpful ways.

Mindfulness skills are all about being in the present moment. They help us focus on what's going on inside us and around us. Mindfulness skills are all about facts, not opinions or interpretations. Here are a few skills.

Four-square Breathing

As long as you can count to 4, this one should be easy! This skill is practiced by:

• breathing in for 4 seconds,
• holding your breath for 4 seconds,
• breathing out for 4 seconds, and
• holding your breath again for 4 seconds.

Then repeat. Make sure to count to 4 seconds for each step. If you like, you can place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach as you breathe.

The purpose of this skill is to help you focus on one thing. When applied correctly, you can't really think about anything else except for the counting and breathing. That's it. No thinking about raw emotions and what they mean. No thinking about how upset you are at your children or your grown-up child (that would be your spouse!) for leaving a filthy house. No thinking about how horrible a person you are. It's just a breath in, holding, a breath out, and holding. And count to 4 with each.

Sensory Kits

Create your own sensory kit. It could include something for several (or all) of your senses. Here are some examples of items you might find in a sensory kit:

• For sight, a picture of a relaxing beach. As you look at the picture, think about the facts in the picture: the colors of the sunset, the calm water lapping on the sand, the wind moving the branches of the palm trees, etc...
• For smell, a small bottle of an essential oil, your favorite lotion, or a fragrance that is pleasant to you. As you inhale, think about how the fragrance smells, and think about how the scent makes your body feel.
• For touch, a small swath of soft cloth or a piece of jewelry. As you touch the object with your hands, think about how the object feels: hard, soft, smooth, rough, sharp, curved, etc...
• For taste, a small healthy snack that is pleasant to your palette. As you savor the snack, describe how it tastes: salty, sweet, fruity, nutty, sour, etc...
• For hearing, a calming music track or guided meditation. Focus only on the sounds or spoken words.

Take some time with a single sense or multiple senses at a time. Only think about the present moment and what you observe. As with the four-square breathing, if your focus is on what you observe from the targeted sense, your brain cannot think about anything else. If one of the objects reminds you too much about a person or circumstance that is emotionally charged, it may not be a helpful object for this skill.

These simple examples of mindfulness skills can help you focus on the facts about the present moment, not about the past or the future, and definitely not about the emotions linked to the past and future. Focusing on the present actually changes the frequency of your brain waves and allows the body to calm and heal.

Remember my series of posts about emotions? It is ok to have emotions. Emotions are part of our daily lives and allow us to live life more fully. However, controlling our intense reactions to intense emotions is extremely critical to accurate and effective communication. Practicing mindfulness skills is one way to help us control those intense emotional reactions.

One quick personal story. I've tried to teach these skills to my children. Sometimes my children think the four-square breathing is silly. And when I bring it up during moments when they are emotionally charged, they say things like, "It doesn't work," or "I don't like it." But when I can convince them to do it, it does help their brains and bodies calm down. My favorite is my when my two-year-old daughter throws a tantrum. On the way to her room and through the screams and sobs, she will say, "Ok, I'll calm down," and take a few deep breaths. It's not exactly 4-square, but it's focused breathing. It's so simple and effective that my two-year-old already knows its application and value.

Mindfulness doesn't take very long. Create a habit. Be mindful every day. See how it affects you.

What skills have you developed to be mindful and stay in the present? I'd love to hear the exercises or skills that have been helpful to you. Leave a comment or send me a private message.

Joy is possible.

Love ❤️, Jen

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