Choices
"The strongest principle of growth lies in the human choice."
Each day I see how much more important it is to be intentional when making choices. We make choices all day, every day. Most choices are not between right and wrong. Most are simply about our desires, our preferences, and the related consequences.
I've been reading the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. In the book he talks about how and why habits form. He also talks about how to form and break habits. While I don't want to talk about his book in this post, one thing I have learned while reading is that changing your habits one way or the other requires intentional choices.
So to get us thinking about choices, I created a little quiz. I've made a list of situations below. If you have recently found yourself in a listed situation, click the button (you'll see the buttons below). Then I'll list some choices I've faced when in each situation and the consequences that followed.
Situation #1:
I am overwhelmed during the day because of a demanding spouse, family member, or job.
Choice #1:
I can pull out my phone and start scrolling through social media trying to drown out my thoughts and feelings.
Consequences to choice #1:
I start comparing my life to everyone else. I feel ashamed that my life is not glamorous like others that I see. I feel down, especially because I feel like my life choices are wrong. I feel irritated. When I'm interrupted, I snap and blame the interruptor for my irritation.
Choice #2:
I can step away and take a few deep breaths, or even go for a walk to clear my head and calm my body.
Consequences to choice #2:
I have more focus in the present moment. I feel that my own choices have value, even if they don't give me everything that I desire in the moment. I have more patience with my children and with others. I actually desire to be around them.
Situation #2:
I am hungry (or hangry) because I've been doing things for others and haven't taken the time to feed myself.
Choice #1:
I can go to my stash of goodies and eat some junk, especially chocolate.
Consequences to choice #1:
I have an initial rush of sugar and caffeine that makes me feel good. But soon afterward I feel sluggish. I get more irritable than I was before. I want to hide from others, lay down and be left alone.
Choice #2:
I can eat something healthy like fruits, vegetables, nuts, or cheese, and drink plenty of water.
Consequences to choice #2:
It may not satisfy my taste buds as much, but I feel like my energy is renewed. I feel less tired. I feel more upbeat. I feel happier. I'm not as quickly irritated by others.
Situation #3:
Someone makes a choice that I feel has a negative impact on me.
Choice #1:
I can keep it to myself and obsess over how awful the person is for making that decision and how badly it affected me.
Consequences to choice #1:
Resentment and anger build, and eventually they come out in a spectacular display of ranting and raving. Or maybe I just stop talking to the person so he or she knows how mad I am.
Choice #2:
I can calm down and remind myself that the person most likely made the choice because of him or herself, not because of me. If the choice affects me in some way, I can think about how I will choose to respond rather than allowing my emotions to react.
Consequences to choice #2:
Resentment is avoided because I recognize the person has agency just like I do. My relationship with that person is likely salvaged. If the choice affected me and I choose a rational and appropriate response (like having a conversation with that person about the facts rather than emotions), my relationship with that person is likely strengthened because we understand one another a little more.
Situation #4:
I see people get the things they want when they want them, but I always feel like I have to wait for the things that I want (and for a long time!).
Choice #1:
I can keep my focus and energy on watching everyone else receive the things they want.
Consequences to choice #1:
I become jealous. My relationships with others become strained because when I talk to them, I fake a smile but I really feel jealous inside. The jealousy turns to bitterness, anger, and resentment for myself. If other people have some say as to whether or not the events I desire happen (including God), I feel bitterness, anger, and resentment towards them as well.
Choice #2:
I can choose to celebrate the good things that happen to others, then focus my attention and energy on recognizing the blessings I have received and the lessons I've learned while waiting to receive more.
Consequences to choice #2:
My relationships with others are more enjoyable. I feel more peace as I recognize God's hand in the blessings I've received.
Often we know the consequences to our choices before making them. The great thing about life is that we can change. If we recognize adverse effects of a choice, we can make a conscious decision to do something else the next time we face that situation.
But we don't always know beforehand the consequences to our choices. Sometimes undesirable consequences are unavoidable. So what then? Here are two quotes that help me through moments like this:
"Enjoy everything you do, whether you like it or not."
"[M]y mother’s words often came back to me: 'Come what may, and love it.' How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t — at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.
If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."
For me it all comes back to conscious choices. We all experience difficulty, trials, discomfort, and pain. Some experiences are unavoidable. We don't have to pretend that life is perfect. It is unhelpful to ignore sorrow and hardship. I believe how we react to these moments will ultimately determine whether we are happy or miserable.
You may think: "What if I react poorly to an undesirable experience?" We all do at some point. If you can recognize your poor reaction, you can also change it the next time. It may take 1 more attempt; it may take 5 or 10 more attempts. The important thing is to make a conscious decision to change.
What other situations have you found yourself in recently that required a choice to be made? What were the consequences for each choice? Have you recognized choices you tend to make without intention, like habits you do without conscious thought? How is your mental health linked to your unconscious habits?
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to share them publicly or privately with the links below.
Joy is possible.
Love ❤️, Jen